Hard to believe I’ve written 20 posts already and not once have I mentioned Tom, the Darby UPS man. I only bring him up now because my biggest fear came true today while at my appointment at The Electric Beach and Hair Studio in downtown Darby. Yes, as I’m sitting in the chair with hair and aluminum foil heading in every direction, my nose looking bigger and my face looking redder (without the hippy style hair to help tone it down) in walks Tom, the hot UPS man. I make myself small and try to hide behind my pregnant hair stylist. I’m tempted to get up and run into the tanning booth room; when I hear;
“Lisa? ……Is that you over there?”
Of course he knows it’s me. My truck is parked out front. The whole town knows I’m getting my hair aluminum foiled today. Even my beautiful man Brett asked me that night what I was doing in town all day. All day translates to 90 minutes.
I never thought I would be the kind of person who spent 90 minutes getting my hair done. I didn’t start getting my hair aluminum foiled until I got progressive lenses and my baby turned 20 years old. It was then that I decided I didn’t want gray hair too. It’s bad enough that I now tilt my head in that awkward way when I read in order to look through the reading part of my progressive lenses. I wasn’t going to magnify my aging with gray hair too. It was more the color of dirty dishwater; not really a color at all. No one else uses the term “aluminum foiled”. I still can’t call it what it is. I don’t want to admit that I get my hair colored. But now Tom knows. This will be the last time I get a cut and color appointment at noon.
“Tom! …..did you pick up my package today?”
I had ordered some jeans from Amazon. I have to tell you my new favorite way to shop for jeans is on Amazon. You buy enough so that there is not a shipping charge. You have millions of styles and sizes to choose from. They arrive in a week and you try them on at home. The ones you don’t like go back in the bag, go to the Amazon website and hit the return items option. They email, you a UPS label for free, no shipping charges and refund your credit card right then. Done. Skinny jeans. I bought skinny jeans. Junior skinny jeans. I had a feeling they may not fit over my hips and butt. I was never able to test that since I could not get them over my calves. I’m a size 6 and could not get these jeans over my calves. A person would have to be unhealthy or 9 years old or more likely an unhealthy 9 year old to put these jeans on. I printed my label and placed the package in the hall at work for Tom to pick up. I put a sticky note on the package that said; “Tom, pick me up” and I drew my boobs on the sticky note so that he would know who it was from. The English teacher walked through the hall as I placed my package on the floor and asked if those were eyeballs. No, I said, they are my breast.
All the women’s eyes in Darby get wide with excitement at the sound of the UPS truck. I always feel bad for the substitute drivers who have to deal with the looks of disappointment at every stop. One evening I heard the UPS truck coming down our driveway and I ran outside to meet the truck. The driver is not Tom but a substitute. “Oh jeez!” I said to the driver, “I thought you were Tom; I almost flashed you my tits”.
I also feel bad for the husbands. “Did you order something again dear? The UPS man is here” as his wife scurries through the living room tripping over the cat to get to the front door.
Whenever there’s a group of women together we end up talking about Tom. I was in a pilates class one day and we start discussing Tom before class. We were all laughing and joking about hot Tom. Some of the women didn’t know of Tom and said they would go home that night and order something online for him to deliver. We started our class and one of the pilates students came in late. As she walked through the room and started rolling out her mat I interrupted the class and said “we were just talking about your boyfriend”. She looks up and says “Tom??”
One of the women business owners in town says she always signs the little machine thing and he never looks at so one day she wrote “kiss me” instead of signing her name. She forgot about it and the next time he delivered he hands her the machine to sign and he’s already written “when?” Her face was very red when she handed it back. This man could write a book. He could probably do a lot more than write a book if he wanted to.
Everyone has a Tom story in Darby. These are all mothers and wives. Young and those who aluminum foil their hair.
“Tom brought me a big package today”
“Oh whatever; in your dreams”